Unthinable
by Larkawolfgirl
Summary: He is supposed to be the responsible one, the sacrificing one. He's supposed to nurture Ludger until he can spread his wings and settle his own nest. He isn't supposed to wish for more. They aren't meant to live happily ever after.
Julius is careful around Ludger—always careful—so he isn't sure how it happened. One minute Ludger was looking at him with pleading eyes, asking further that his _big brother_ please tell him what he could do to get the girl he liked to notice him, and something snapped. One minute Julius was calm and collected, the next his chest was on fire and a noise close to a growl had escaped him. It had always been alright because he knew Ludger was here—with him—that no one else had him. His brother, who was still in school, was too young for such things. This had been inevitable. He was growing up so quickly, but this did not make it any easier on Julius. Something snapped, and Julius had zero control over this something. This something tugged him forward, pushed Ludger back upon his still childish-looking bed. This something leaned in on its own, kissed virgin lips, touched arms, sighed in relief.

The moment ended nearly as soon as it had begun, and Julius pulled it back in, and himself back with it. Ludger stared up at him with _those_ eyes. Eyes of disappointment. Of confusion. Of disbelief. Julius readied an apology on his lips, but found he could not speak. He couldn't take those eyes. They reminded him of the color of his soul—which was surly black as pitch.

Ludger opened his mouth, looked about to speak, but Julius didn't give him the time to. Instead, he stood, and abruptly exited to his own room. With the safety of walls separating them, he leaned his body hard against the closed door. What transgression had he allowed to happen? He could still not process it. That was never meant to happen; that was unthinkable. He stayed there for a long while, simply feeling the weighted support of the door as a reminded that this was in fact reality instead of a horrible nightmare that he could wake up from.

Sleep had been impossible, and now with the beginnings of sunlight shining in through the cracked blinds, Julius knows he can no longer hide behind the protection of his room. Ludger would awaken soon and force him to explain. So, Julius leaves the room without even bothering to change his clothes and slips out the door unnoticed. It is still early, so much earlier than he usually heads to Spirius, but this way he can escape Ludger's probing. At least for a while longer.

He isn't much of a drinker, but he finds himself at the local bar nonetheless. He'd spent the entire day fretting over the issue, yet he feels just as lost as he had that morning. Alcohol wouldn't solve anything, but its hazy mist filling his brain is a welcome comfort.

He chats easily with the bartender, confessing his dilemma as cryptically as possible. The bartender tells him that he should confront this "precious one" because for all he knows they may love him back. But what does the bartender know? It must be easy for him to say knowing nothing of the pain that Julius has lived with for all these long years. Not knowing the immorality, the sheer wrongness of his affections. Still, he smiles wily at the bartender, whose hair has begun to grey at the ends, and says back, "You could be right."

He knows that he's not. He knows it in the pit of his being. Because Ludger is not like him. Ludger is immaculate.

The hour is late and the sky is painted a heavy brown-gray when Julius finally slumps his way home. His body feels so very tired, and he hopes beyond hope that Ludger has turned in to bed before him because he feels that he might rip at the seams any moment.

No such luck.

Ludger stands from the couch the moment he opens the front door. His features are split between relief and concern. "Where were you?" he asks, voice imploring. "I was so worried."

Julius nearly laughs. How can he still care so? For a brother like him. He shuts the door and sits to remove his shoes. "Drinking."

Ludger's face crinkles. "But, Julius, you never drink."

"Don't pretend to know everything about me." He doesn't mean for it to come out as harshly as it does. He pushes back the urge to apologize immediately. Maybe he should just let himself be despised. Maybe that would make things easier.

"Julius…"

Ludger sounds hurt, and Julius can feel his heart clenching from that alone. Damn it.

His brother approaches him, sets a shaking on his shoulder, stares at him intently until Julius' gaze meets his. "Are you avoiding me because of last night?"

So smart. So direct. So ruthless. Julius crafts a fake smile, tilts his head, and says as carefree as he can manage through the bile rising in his throat, "What are you talking about, brother?"

Ludger sighs, averts his eyes. Then he lets his fingers fall away from his jacket. "Julius. I really hate you sometimes."

Julius lets his face drop, allowing it to mirror the state of his heart. "Like you did last night. Then, I'm sorry to tell you, brother, but you must learn to hate me, because I'm not the person you think I am."

Ludger moves his arms wildly, eyes vigorous. "Don't pretend to know me either. You're always like this. You think you know what's best for me. You think you know what it is I want."

"Don't I? Who is it that's been providing for you all this time?"

"Fine. I'll get a job," he says without hesitation.

"Denied. Your education will remain your top priority."

He looks away. "As if it ever was."

Julius stands. "What does that mean?"

"It's always been you, Julius. We're family. We have to be here for each other."

Julius places a hand on his forehead. "Shit. Why are you insistent on making this harder than it already is?"

"If it's so hard, why don't you tell me what it is so that I can help? You know what I hate most about you? How you exclude me from everything. I don't even know what you do for a living!"

Julius places his hand on his chest, feeling the sharp beat there. "I give you so much, Ludger! I give and I give. But I don't think I can take much more of this. I'm going to leave."

"What?" His face resembles a deer in a headlight. "You can't."

"Soon you'll be graduated. You would leave otherwise anyway. I'll leave enough money to get you through the next few months." He begins to walk toward his bedroom with an emotionless expression.

Ludger grasps at his arm, holding him in place. "No! You don't get to decide this. Not this time! Talk to me, Julius. Please, just talk to me."

Julius can't see him, but he wonders if he's crying. He hopes he isn't, because if he sees such a sight he's sure to lose all self-control. "I can't." His voice comes out strained, like a thread fraying at the end.

"Damn it, Julius!" Ludger presses his face against his back, and Julius can feel him shaking. "You can't just do that and then play it off. You can't just leave."

"I don't know what you're talking about." The words sound hallow even to Julius' ears.

Ludger has stilled, and his voice comes out even. "That was my first kiss, you know."

"I do." He wants to feel those lips again. He wants to hold Ludger to him so that no one else can ever touch him. He can feel the blackness enveloping him.

"It was a lie."

"What was?"

"Asking for advice. There is a girl I like. But that's not why I asked you."

Julius can guess where this is heading, and he doesn't like it. "Don't," he pleads, yet longing mingles in it.

"Look at me?"

His voice is suggestive, yet Julius finds himself turning. When lips meet his he is expecting it, and when a tongue touches his own he pushes back, tastes along the expanse that tastes of ripe tomatoes. His arms enfold Ludger's frame, which feels so delicate in his hold.

They break apart, though they stay close. Julius rests his chin atop Ludger's head, feels the blackness of his soul, and breathes, breathes through it. "I love you. I've always loved you."

"I love you too."

"I'll stay. If that's really want you want. If you won't mind putting up with me for a little while longer."

"Julius." He pauses, "I meant what I said. We have to stick by each other. I plan on staying by your side for life."

Julius can feel tears threatening at his eyes. This isn't how it is supposed to be. He is supposed to be the responsible one, the sacrificing one. He's supposed to nurture Ludger until he can spread his wings and settle his own nest. He isn't supposed to wish for more. They aren't meant to live happily ever after. Yet somehow here they are. It was unthinkable, but now the thoughts are there. Ludger welcoming him home each day with the smell of tomato sauce and parmesan. Thoughts of a future, a future he can look forward to, a future in which his soul doesn't shrivel to a piece of tar.

All these things had been unthinkable, and so, even years would not have been long enough for Julius to think of a response. So, instead he just holds Ludger close. He holds him and hopes that god is merciful.


End file.
